I’ve been avoiding writing a blog because I was worried what I had to say wasn’t revolutionary enough. I haven’t written a blog in a bit and I kept thinking, “Damn it, this next blog needs to really be good or else…”
Hearing myself say that out loud is so silly. Or else what?! Or else nothing. This blog doesn’t need to be anything more or less than who I am and what I experience. It is not helpful to keep myself from creating just because I am not assured that the end product will be incredible. That’s just as silly as deciding not to ask a question because you don’t already know the answer. Yes I know…that logic is ass-backwards and yet it keeps me from letting myself do what I do best…make cool and meaningful stuff. Who in the hell can ever guarantee that what we make will be something that resonates with people?! There are times when we make something that is important and personal but for whatever reason it just might not resonate with anyone except us.
PLEASE HEAR THIS:
(I am saying this as much to myself as I am to you)
You have to make lots of crappy mediocre stuff to find those surprising things that not even you knew you were capable of making. This is just how it works. Its kinda like dating. You will have to make your way through lots of duds, losers and people you just plain wont connect with, before you can find those amazing people that make your soul feel at home.
I have this silly preconceived notion that everything I make needs to be amazing. I am the type of person that will write and re-write the same sentence for literal hours. It can take me a while to get out of my head. There is an anxiety that often rises in me when I start to make something new. I like to picture this particular brand of anxiety as a melodramatic tween; her name is Jessica.
Our interactions will look something like this:
I sit an stare at the computer screen with the blank cursor blinking at me. I feel my chest get tight and I start to worry. This is Jessica’s favorite time to chime in, in all her awkward, insecure, histrionic glory. She says “Oh my god, what if I used up all of my talent on the last thing I made…THAT’s IT…I’ve used up all my talent and I am never going to make something worth while again. I might as well retire from the creative field all together. I will retire in my 30’s in disgrace and shame.” Here is another familiar and unhelpful gem from Jessica; “I tried it once and I suck at it so I should never try it again. It doesnt matter that it takes people years to learn to master ‘fill-in-the-blank’ skill. I should be able to know how to do it perfectly the first time.” REALLY Jessica!?! Really, though how many times have you stopped doing something that interested you because you weren’t great at it the first time. Anyways that is a topic for another blog though.
Today, as I sat in front of my computer screen and I heard Jessica’s familiar voice “This next blog needs to be really good or else…” I heard myself answer back “so effing what Jessica?! what if this next blog is terrible? Even if this blog is a disaster the sun will rise tomorrow and it wont change all of the amazing things I have made before this. And if anyone judges me because of this terrible blog then I probably don’t care to know them anyways.” Sometimes you just have to quiet your inner tween. You have to quiet that place in you that likes to remind you of all your unhelpful insecurities and just make some shit. Just make it and keep making it. The sun will rise tomorrow and you will still be who you are.
Go forth and be awesome or mediocre or insecure or anything but for the love of god don’t let Jessica win. Happy making friends!